A Plan.

I have no plan.

For the past 26 years, I have had some sort of short or long term plan about my education/career/relationship/life path, and right now? I have no plan. Everything in my life is spinning wildly out of control, and I have no say in where it all lands. Though I have gotten most of the things that I have set out to acquire, I still feel that they are all on the verge of running away and leaving me behind, with nothing but the learned fallback plan of running away and starting over from scratch. I'm not used to having a healthy relationship, a consistant acting career, and a stable mental state. Somethings gonna give. The symptoms are all there, I can feel something fighting at the bit, and to be honest, I'm really really good at surviving when things go wrong. In fact I think I'm more adaptable to it then when things go right. Pathetic. So I need a new plan. And the discipline to see it through.

Go.

It's back...

http://laceylaceyanne.blogspot.com/

Get ready.

It's coming... The return of Lacey's blog.

Get ready.

I hate working.

I don't like working.

I really don't. 

Going the same place every day, doing the same mindless, easy job. I hate it.

And I take any excuse not to do it. I am hopelessly lazy. All I want to do is write, or audition, or just read scripts, and research how I can possibly make a "living" doing the things I love. And even though I so clearly need to work to make money to pay rent, bills, food, booze, it really does not take much effort to justify giving away my shifts and spending the day pretending that there is someone else who it worrying about where the money is going to come from. I am the worst adult ever. It's truly pathetic. Yet though I know this, I still make no visible effort to change it.

I desperately need a new headshot. Enough with the junk food. Crash diet time........

Learning to Love Insomnia

There has been a shift.

Instead of fighting this insomnia that has overtaken me, I have embraced it, and am not discriminating between 3pm and 3am. Rather, I choose to enjoy a tasty beverage and Flight of the Conchords. Still brilliant after all this time. The question remains though, will the second season live up to the genius that was the premiere season? (By the way, what the hell is Lisa doing during "A Kiss is Not a Contract"? Is she stoned?) AND, side note, the actress who played Felicia is in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall".  Which was a lovely movie FYI.

I am taking a lesson in simplification. Though I recognize that when I am in a frenzy of activity, from rehearsals, social engagements and various projects, I gain a momentum that lends more to my mental health than I would like to admit, other more pressing obligations have come to the front lines, demanding my attention and energy. There is a jealousy present to be sure, when seeing others close to me living the life I had become so dependents on, yet an odd satisfaction knowing that I am growing and moving forward. Accepting a responsibility I have to myself is horribly grown-up and I guess there is something to be said for that, but that does not make it any less overwhelming and scary. I have discovered a clarity over the last few months that seemed out of reach for a very long time, and with that clarity comes the need to destroy the walls I had reinforced with such intensity and  care. Both excitement and terror accompany each waking moment, but the awareness of change promotes the optimism necessary to maintain my nerve.

Though I miss having Josh here, there is something to be said for having an empty apartment to myself again. As I begin my work on "Cute Girl", the privacy I have available to me is greatly appreciated. I look forward to pushing myself to the limit for a piece that will surly test my boundaries, while also allowing the terror of the intimacy this requires to keep me on the edge of  raw creation.

Let me offer this question up for those of you still reading. Is New Years Eve not a "couples holiday" for the most part? I'm trying to settle an argument. With myself.

Awake.

I awake at 7:15 to the sound of a chainsaw ripping its way through the innocent tree out my window. What kind of hotel hires a man to do that at this ungodly hour? Oh. The Economy Inn in Dresden, TN. Right. This is what you get for $50 a night, even if you do flirt with the little man at the front desk for the AAA discount. Lying in bed for 20 minutes, I ponder if it is worth it to try to roll over and try to sleep through the bloody murder of my leafy friend, or if I should brave the freezing cold world outside my scratchy sheets and lumpy pillows. Eventually I choose the latter, to continue my fight with YouTube over uploading videos, and enjoying some microwavable oatmeal that I stole from the Days Inn two weeks ago when I was lucky enough to enjoy a continental breakfast. As my last week on tour begins, I feel as if there should be some wisdom I have attained and can now share with the bright and shiny world........ I'm sure there is, but all I can do at this point is to gaze longingly out the window at my decapitated friend and wonder just how hard I would have to hit the asshole with the chainsaw to get him to shut up.

Counting down

7 days until home

5 days until Chicago

5 days of shows

3 days till John

17 more shows

8 more schools

2 more hotels

wow.